Cecilia D’Anastasio’s journalism is rape culture in a nutshell, and you all really need to start giving a shit about what this has done to survivors…

I’m writing this because today Cecilia D’Anastasio won another award for her journalism (Forbes 30 under 30), and no amount of information about how she has abused vulnerable people (her sources) is enough to make accountability happen.

I said that I would write another post detailing what she has done to others. I would make this vague, and anonymize things, so that it doesn’t cause harm on those abused by her. This is that post. I hope this will serve as more information about why she should not be awarded for nearly killing people.
Although I doubt it at this point. I think we are the ones you all have chosen as expendable.

I’ve been very generous in sharing my story. You can read my first post detailing my experience in talking to her here: http://www.nathalielawhead.com/candybox/what-its-like-sharing-your-metoo-with-kotaku-a-cautionary-tale

The second post, detailing my experiences in begging Kotaku’s editor in chief to remove the details of my assault, and sharing everything about my treatment from them is here: http://www.nathalielawhead.com/candybox/an-open-letter-to-game-journalists-metoo-fighting-with-surviving-abusive-reporting-and-the-fallout-of-not-caring

Summary for the first link:
Cecilia D’Anastasio lied to me under the guise that “the story was ready to go live” but Kotaku’s lawyers needed me to go over my assault so that she could get the green light to publish it. She assured me that she believed sharing the details of an assault was exploitative, and that she would not do that. The story went live and she included the details.
She also yelled at me asking “Was it penetrative sex?” because I was having trouble going over it.
She lied to Aeralie to get the text transcripts from her. Aeralie’s story was about sexual harassment and a dick pick (for lack of a better word) being sent to her. Aeralie told Cecilia that she can use what Aeralie shares under the condition that Cecilia also shares the text transcripts between Aeralie and Soule, so people could see that she was NOT flirting with him, and make it clear that she was not flirting with him.
Cecila agreed, but went on to not share the transcripts, and in the story frame it as if it was flirting.
Another source, which I have kept out of my posts, was told by Cecilia that her story is not usable because she was in a relationship with her abuser.
The issue here is that this source had information about him praying on her sister (underage). She shared this with Cecilia too.
Because of Cecilia’s treatment of her, she stopped talking to us. This would have been a big break, and maybe even set the stage for him being held legally accountable, but that didn’t happen because of the way Cecilia treated her.
There’s important context in this post in which I share ALL the information that Cecilia had at her disposal. It shows what kind of story could have happened, and you can contrast it to what Cecilia wrote instead.
She protected him (especially since there was information about him pursuing someone underaged), and she downplayed the abuse in ways that framed it as if we might have “wanted him”.
Furthermore, I was misquoted as having called him “something of a mentor”. I NEVER called him that. I was never interested in music or being mentored by him. I called him a friend. That framing is very important, especially if you are covering rape.
Other sources called him a mentor. He used that relationship to prey on women. She should have attributed that quote to someone that did call him that, not to me.
There was so much more to this story, and it could have been bigger. I invite you to please read my post so you grasp the extent at which our chance at accountability was destroyed by Cecilia’s journalism.



(While writing this I again went through screenshots from conversations with the other women and it breaks my heart to have seen this opportunity for accountability squandered. There was an excitement from all of us knowing we’re not the only ones, and we might get a chance at some justice. That if we just talk to this “journalist”, we can get the news about all this out…)

We rallied the others together. Women that were willing to bring someone very dangerous to light. Cecilia squandered that for something salacious that sensationalized the situation.

Cecilia promised us accountability. That’s how she got me to talk to her. She told me that she wanted to write something that would “hold him accountable”. It instilled hope when her intention was to take that away.

That’s a summary of my story. I am angry because this protected someone that preys on girls. Someone that is hiding much worst, and I know this after talking to other survivors of his. Our story will never be heard.
What he did was downplayed for a publication with 2 million Twitter followers. The narrative changed to one of having “flirted with him” and me splayed out on a bed with no context of how I got there and maybe I wanted it? After all, I called him my mentor.

She lied to us. She lied about our truth. She took advantage of our willingness to talk and abused us for it.

That’s the Soule story.

The Other Story…

Sometime after I wrote this post, I was approached by another victim of Cecilia’s.
This person had a story just as upsetting, that involved multiple sources being abused the same way.

It was for a story that was considered “big”. I will not be specific. I do not want more harm to come to them. Please keep that in mind if you go looking this up.
I need you to understand that this took place BEFORE Cecilia abused me and the other sources of the Soule story.
Cecilia was confronted by the survivor that she abused for this story about the harm that she caused. Cecilia was made aware of the consequences, but still went on to do the exact same to me.


Cecilia baited them by promising accountability.
One of them wasn’t willing to be used for the story. This person told Cecilia “no”, but Cecilia told this person that “it’s public”. The source deleted what Cecilia wanted to use, then locked their account because Cecilia said that their tweets “are public”, therefore fair to use.
Cecilia pulled a few tweets from years ago instead, where the survivor seemed to be “flirting” with the abuser (this exchange was before things escalated to abuse).
Cecilia then framed it in the article.

This was similar to what Cecilia had done to Aeralie. Aeralie had a condition for using her story that Cecilia violated too.
Going so far as to INTENTIONALLY, and knowingly, frame this stuff as flirting, when there is clear indication that flirting is not the case, and the person even said that it was not the case, is tremendously abusive when you are writing about rapists.
You are downplaying the relationship between victim and rapist. You frame it as if we wanted it (maybe), as if we placed ourselves in that position, without considering the dynamics of power that allow these men to abuse.

It’s disgusting and I’m angered that you reward this journalist for what she has done.
That having been said…

Cecilia had a police report but still called the rape “alleged”.
The person shared with me that they had a bad feeling about Cecilia and was telling their friends not to talk to her.
Cecilia got upset at this, and called this person a gatekeeper when they warned the other victims.
Cecilia gaslit victims. She pushed to talk to the other source, and wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, using accountability as an excuse.

When you do this to a rape survivor it is inhuman. You are forcing them to re-live their trauma, and doing that so you can make that trauma public. It’s beyond cruel. I wish I had words to describe what that does to someone.
This other source tried to kill herself from the PTSD that Cecilia forced her to relive. The same for me. I wanted to die after what she did to me.

For this story, on and off the record were also not exactly respected. This first source shared screenshots of a conversation with Cecilia, in which Cecilia agreed to talk off the record, but information was still used.
This is the structure of what was shared with me.

She bullied survivors into speaking. The screenshots that this person shared with me show her being manipulative, pushy, agreeing to “off the record”, and then the survivor explaining to Cecilia that she is causing harm.
Cecilia was aware of this, but went on to do the very same thing to me and the other sources for the Soule story. The above screenshot is anonymized and vague proof of this.

What I find profoundly upsetting about all this, when the last wave of “metoo in videogames” was going strong, Cecilia tweeted in “solidarity” with survivors coming forward, and shared the link to the above story. A story in which she violated survivors just as profoundly masochistically as the abuser did that she was covering.
She was aware of the harm but still tweeted that out. She knew what she did to me, I had already gone public, but still pursues these metoo stories.
This is humiliating to us. It’s as if we don’t matter. We were told “I believe you”, then we were used, then we were kicked to the curb.

Sometime after this was shared, and after Cecilia tweeted that, another survivor that she abused for another story contacted the person that I was talking to, and shared what Cecilia did to her.
I do not know the details of this, nor think it’s right that I do because it’s a lot to just live with. The greater issue here is that there are many. This is a pattern. This is journalism that both Cecilia and Kotaku benefited from.

These were OUR stories, not theirs to steal, re-write so that it suits them, and then slaughter our truth.

Other things have surfaced about Cecilia too. Our stories are not the only incident in which she was abusive.
Gita Jackson talked about Cecilia’s racism in a deleted thread. You can read that here: https://archive.md/LZn4A
I apologize for sharing that link because I know it was deleted for a reason, but I also feel like I am fighting for our life and validity.
In this medium article by Natalie Degraffinried here, the author talks about Cecilia’s conduct while at Kotaku.
Cecilia was also accused of transphobia. I will not be linking to references of that.
I share this because it demonstrates that Cecilia’s behavior isn’t exactly a secret. You all know what type of person she is.

There’s enough out there about her to show that she is dangerous to vulnerable people. To show that she will take advantage of people and has caused harm.

So, all that having been said, I cannot understand why she continues to be rewarded. WIRED doesn’t give a shit, and clearly Forbes doesn’t either.
I have been told by more people to shut up about this, have been blocked, muted, iced out, and broken up friendships with friends that did all the above… than people have actually confronted her on this.
She has been rewarded for nearly killing people. For essentially torturing us, publicly putting our nightmare on display in a way that doesn’t even honor our truth.
We, and I mean ALL of us, made a tremendous sacrifice in talking to her.

Coming forward about rape and sexual harassment suffered by the hands of someone powerful is not easy. I cannot express how hard that is in the first place. The toll it takes on your life is profound. It is a dangerous thing to do. It will get you sued for one thing. This was something that Cecilia took advantage of. Our sacrifice should have been respected. Our story should have been followed, and taken serious… not twisted apart and mutilated for the sake of what she, I don’t know, *felt* like writing? I would like to understand why the truth couldn’t even be honored.
Why is this ok? Why do you reward her?

I have reached far past the point of disbelief that people here can be so cruel and even revel in it.
I try not to ask why Kotaku did this, why they defended her, why did we not matter enough for the truth, why did she protect the rapist, why did she publicly lay me on the bed like that and write about me in that way when there was so much more to what happened, why did she do that to the other girls, why did she yell at me when I was struggling to speak, why did Kotaku do that, why do people still retweet these people even after knowing what they did… It’s a spiral because at the end of the day we stopped being human to you. What you did, you did happily. You did knowing the consequence it would have on us.
We stopped mattering, and it’s a truth I hate.

I have to stop myself from sharing screenshots from how other devs excused them to me. How [name of influential person redacted] thanked them for their metoo journalism even when I told her what they did. I’m sorry for maybe being too specific, but I constantly do that hoping that a person might start caring… instead it just burns the bridge. The people that should, don’t care.
It’s enough to destroy you. In many ways it has.
I tweet asking for accountability everyday. I’ve written hundreds of threads hoping that fucks will be given.
I see people that follow me, and that know what they did, sharing Kotaku and not ever bringing this up.
You congratulate her on her reporting. You congratulate her on what she did to us.

I am sorry for the generalization here, but the following is what I think…
Behind peers sharing Kotaku, congratulating Kotaku, and generally not giving a shit about this, is a more serious issue… You are platforming them. You are whitewashing what they did.
I trusted Kotaku because you all share them. You talk about them and speak highly of them, but never bring this up.
When I came forward about what they did, many of you told me “everyone knows Kotaku is shit, what did you expect?”
I didn’t know. I trusted them because you enthusiastically share them. Everyone whitewashed them. You do not warn people. It’s part of the performance of allyship here. You only care as far as caring makes you look. Once that stops suiting you, you stop caring. Will I get blocked more for saying this?
This is serious. It has destroyed people’s lives. Please reflect on this. Please care.

I hear what Cecilia D’Anastasio did to others. I know and believe them. I know that there are others outside of what I shared, but it hurts to know the details of that because you have to reconcile with the fact that people simply do not care… as long as they get to be in “that limelight”, get that game review, get that place in the “insider club”, get to be “big”… we are expendable.
Why is it easier for you to tell me to shut up than it is to confront someone that has done so much harm?

I want us to matter to you.
Stop rewarding Cecilia D’Anastasio for her journalism. She almost killed people.
I share that everyday.